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When an ethereal forest spirit enlists a hapless theatre troupe to seek out the Holy Grail, it initially seems too good to be true - a chance to prove themselves as heroes, save an endangered forest, and get their hands on an infinite supply of chocolatey goodness? What a steal!

But who are the mysteriously monosyllabic knights blocking their path at every turn? Is the Wicked Witch of the Woods really all she claims to be? And can freelance villainy ever renounce its predestined future in favour of forging its own path? Answers (not necessarily to these questions, but, y’know, just general answers) can only be found in one place - Act 2 of OULES’s Trinity term play, “Knights, Camera, Action!”

But, uh… Please come to Act 1 as well. You might miss a lot of important context if you don’t.

• Artie - Macey “Quid pro quo, bish bash bosh” Pattenden (Worcester)
• Lance - Caleb “Wide V or tight V” Lee
• Gwen - Cassie “We all have priorities in life, but Taylor Swift…” Wicks (St Hilda's)
• Gwayne - Freddie “Hundred million trillion money” Houlahan (Balliol)
• Gareth - Ali “She should doubt her choices, they were really bad” Witheford (Magdalen)
• Percy - Bíbor “You should only lick me” Batki (St Hugh's)

• Green - Warwick “Queer coded Disney villain” Wagner (St Anne's)
• Knight - Paul “Master has presented Dobby with a Glock” Becsi (Oriel)
• Moore - Libby “I was impressed but I'm too tired to smile” Alldread (Corpus Christi)
• Dredd - Andrew “Don't introduce yourself backwards” Kenyon-Roberts (Merton)

• Cass - Jake “I play Lance a-lot” Caudwell (Magdalen)
• Nova - Patrick “I've got pictures of a weird kind” Painter (St Anne's)

• Morgan - Elsie “You need to be put in a box” Clark (St Anne's)
• Morgeuse - Em “Raps nostalgically” Fawcett (Wadham)
• Lesgeuse - Kevin “Those witches are cucks” Zheng (St Anne's)
• Mervin - Max “Bell curve of failure” Northcott (St Anne's)

• Alexa - Kat “I won't know unless someone points” Surgay (Queen's)
• Siri - Lily “Casual sub fusc vibes” Massey (Pembroke)
• Cortana - Fen “You don't get the grail if you say piss” Brunt
• Mrs Kingfisher - Sebastian “If only the church had stopped us” Morson (St Anne's)

• Yes - Amy “Ice cream is a rock” Hemsworth (Univ)
• No - Fen “I can't be diagonal” Brunt
• It's complicated - Chris “You have asked, unfortunately, the wrong question” Chang (St Anne's)
• Neigh - Fen “Basically set dressing” Brunt

• Directors
  • Lily “Paul, can you die over there?” Massey (Pembroke)
  • Libby “Flow in and clot when you get to the middle” Alldread (Corpus Christi)
• Assistant Directors
  • Cecilia “Gay it up or stright it up” Twigger (Regent's Park)
  • Maja “Women, am I right?” Kowalewska (Magdalen)

• Writer - Jack “Eager to learn the context for all these other quotes” Slater
• Script Editors
  • Chris “Speaking of slay af” Chris (St Anne's)
  • Elsie “I don't feel much excitement” Clark (St Anne's)
  • Warwick “Cringe is like camp” Wagner (St Anne's)

• Production Manager - Jake “Did I stutter?” Caudwell (Magdalen)
• Stage Manager - Amy “I don't bow to others, they bow to me” Hemsworth (Univ)
• Costume Manager - Jake “I've never been real in my life” Caudwell (Magdalen)
• Production Assistants
  • Fen “Guns, the blunt man's locksmith” Brunt
  • Warwick “I might be dumb” Wagner (St Anne's)
• Weather Coordinator - Libby “I went through a cadaver phase” Alldread (Corpus Christi)
• Sound Technician - Freddie “No size preference” Houlahan (Balliol)

• Marketing Manager - Freddie “You could frolic at Baker Street” Freddie (Balliol)
• Marketing Assistants
  • Amy “Gotta account for the tits” Hemsworth (Univ)
  • Max “Vaguely fruity” Northcott (St Anne's)
• Graphic Designer - Alex “Your analysis is fluff” Gunn (?)
• Additional Design - Jake “Stand on their toes, jump up and down” Caudwell (Magdalen)
• Photography - Freddie “Not slay bro” Houlahan (Balliol)

• Music Director - Patrick “Grow a second vocal tract” Painter (St Anne's)
• Assistant Music Director - Peter “Suitably heterosexual” Bachev (St Anne's)
• Choreographer - Paul “Grease you later” Becsi (Oriel)
• Saxophonist - Emily “Missed the all day for Harry Styles” Walker (?)
• Pianist - Peter “Sexual tension needs to build up to something” Bachev (St Anne's)
• Guitarist - Fabian “Everyone needs a little arson in their life” Bourdeaux (St Anne's)

• Welfare Officer - Uğur “I'd rather be a lesbian” Özcan (Jesus)
• Venue Liaison
  • Lily “Keep it greasy” Massey (Pembroke)
  • Elsie “Alkaline bogs anonymous” Clark (St Anne's)
• Drinks Coordinator - David “When are rehearsals again?” Street (LMH)

• BIRDS of a Feather - Cassie “Folksy is involuntary” Wicks (St Hilda's)
• Morgeuse in the Heuse
  • Paul “They don't have exams the spiders” Becsi (Oriel)
  • Fabian “Slayblades, let it drip” Bourdeaux (St Anne's)
• Defying Prophecy - Jack “I think I'll try defying copyright” Slater
• Spontanei-tea
  • Lyrics: Amy “Please let me write sodomy” Hemsworth (Univ)
  • Music: Patrick “Cheers big beardy bossman” Painter (St Anne's)
• All Triangles Are Love Triangles When You Love Triangles - Fabian “Tastes Vaguely fruity” Bourdeaux (St Anne's)
• Final Song
  • Lyrics: Jake “Hive mind triangle” Caudwell (Magdalen)
  • Additional lyrics: Peter “Anything for you Patrick” Bachev (St Anne's)
  • Music: Patrick “All I heard is just an ominous thump” Painter (St Anne's)

Programme

Script