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The Last Cow in Nowheresville (Trinity, 2010)

nowheresville poster

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Last Cow tells the tale of a young adventurer's stay in a seemingly innocuous place called Nowheresville, a town beset by villainy from all sides, in which the only cow left looks suspiciously like a pantomime horse. The play is notable for its use of meta-textual dialogue, its genre-savvy characters, and the large amount of cross-dressing


  • Narrator - Marcus “speaking of penis jokes” Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
  • The Linedance Kid - Tom “last night in bed” Perkins (New)
  • Wayne Clintwood - Dan “don't push it” Artus (Regent's Park)
  • Butch the Indecisively Named - Sasha “the adjective” McKenna (St Hildas)
  • Good Hench - Benjamin “won't stop till the drag me off” Nye (Hertford)
  • Bad Hench - Seb “three commandments I haven't broken yet” Atay
  • Ugly Hench - Helen “I'll verb your noun” Nightingale (Somerville)
  • Sheriff Benedict - Fabby “amoral associate” Styles (Oriel)
  • Deputy Order - Mariel “more imprisonment without trial” Harrison (St Hilda's)
  • Virginia Cockermouth - Thomas “broadcaster of bovine brainwaves” Woolley (St Johns)
  • Handjive Harry (Local Tycoon) - Duncan “special socks” Coutts (Worcester)
  • Scarlett - Felicity “rassifrassin' varmints” White (Merton)
  • Jane -Eilise “not sure why I mentioned it” Norris (Mansfield)
  • Doc Green - Richard “only a model” Owen (Ex-Lincoln)
  • Dr Doctor - Martin “coo” Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall)
  • Rubber - Jonathan “trouserless” Sims (St. Hilda's)
  • Ducky - Tim “acquired taste” Ledsam (Hertford)
  • Monty -Sally “I'm so happy” Outen (Ex-Worcester)
  • Roberta Fett - Hannah “even the most hardened criminals can play the ukulele, ma'am” Snell (Balliol)
  • Bandito 1 - Martin “itchy moustache” Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall)
  • Bandito 2 - Jonathan “etcetera” Lipscombe (Mansfield)
  • Bandito 3 -Tim “was going for Gloria Gaynor” Ledsam (Hertford)
  • Old Spurious Exposition - Péter “néver” Connell
  • Mysterious Stranger - Alice “ukulele troll” Young (Hertford)


Script and Programme

Flosscars Wins

Best PropTim Ledsam (Hertford) for The Plot Crunch-o-matic 3000
Best Special EffectPerry Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield) for Tumbleweed
Best fluff/fuck-up/cock-up during a performanceTim Ledsam (Hertford) for Breaking Rule 3. You know, the one that was written because of this incident…

Flosscars Nominations

Best Hero Tom Perkins (New) for The Line-Dance Kid
The “M-Tropolis and M-Town” award for Best Double Act/Couple Dan Artus (Regent's Park) and Tom Perkins (New) for The Line-Dance Kid and Wayne Clintwood
Sasha McKenna (St Hildas) and Fabby Styles (Oriel) for Sheriff Benedict and Butch the Indecisively Named
Best Portrayal of a Member of the Opposite Sex Sasha McKenna (St Hildas) for Butch the Spurious Adjective
Thomas Woolley (St Johns) for Virginia Cockermouth
The “Tom Reynolds” Award for most Spurious Accent Mariel Harrison (St Hilda's) for Deputy Lauren Order
Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for Ducky the Hooker
Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for Mexican Bandito
Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln) for Old Line Dance Kid
The whole cast
Best Directing Team Jenni Goodchild (Mansfield), rk hughes (hertford) and Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's)
Best WriterThe SHAM and Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
Best Song Fabby Styles (Oriel) for Any Man I Can
Felicity White (Merton) and Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's) for Nothing Ever Happens Here In Nowheresville
Best Costume Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for Ducky the Hooker
Best fluff/fuck-up/cock-up during a performance Perry Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield) and Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for The onstage destruction of the plot-crunch-o-matic…
Best Quote (during a show) Martin Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall) and The SHAM for “Moo moo I'm a coo milk me noo milk me noo”
Richard Owen (Ex-Lincoln) and The SHAM for “Pseudoscience away!…Oh yes, this pulsating erection should give us quite the golden shower.”
The “Dan Artus” Award for Best Worst Line-learner Richard Owen (Ex-Lincoln) for Doc Green
Dan Artus (Regent's Park) for Wayne Clintwood
The “Ooh you luvvie” Award for actually being able to act Helen Nightingale (Somerville) for Ugly Hench
The “Beyond the Call of Duty” Award for Going Beyond the Call of Duty Helen Nightingale (Somerville) for Ugly Hench
shows/nowheresville.txt · Last modified: 2018/04/20 13:21 by lily