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When the great (straight) detective Hercule Poirot is invited to a wedding party, nothing can possibly go wrong. The mansion is secluded, the family is argumentative, and the ducks are on the offensive. Did the butler do it? We don't know, but the wedding guests are taking bets.

• Poirot - Jonathan “Straighter than an incredibly straight arrow designed to fly in a straight line” Sims (St. Hilda's)
• Hastings - Samuel “My hair is unusually bouncy” Swinnerton (Queen's)
• Sergeant Higgins - Martin “soft as pussings” Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall)
• Miss Green - Hannah “awfully large swallow” Snell (Balliol)
• Mrs Green - Jessica “If I wasn't so emotionally repressed, I'd slap you” Law (St.Anne's)
• Mr Green _{(Tuesday and Wednesday)} - Matthew “strawberry tart” Williams (mansfield)
• Mr Green _(Thursday) - Rory “quack!” Morrison (Mansfield)
• Mrs White - rk “cantankerous old bitch” hughes (hertford)
• Miss Scarlet - Emma “soon you'll be over her and under me!” New (St Hildas)
• Parker - Perry “comic fainting” Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield)
• Miss Lemon - Sasha McKenna (St Hildas)
• Mr Musard - Anselm “exploring the crevices” Aston
• Archie the Policeman - Alice “light relief” Young (Hertford)
• Eldritch the Policeman _{(Tuesday and Wednesday)} - Alice Young (Hertford)
• Eldritch the Policeman _(Thursday) - Matthew Williams (mansfield)
• Wedding Guest 1 - Eilise “here to pick up insecure bridesmaids” Norris (Mansfield)
• Wedding Guest 2 - Felicity “what was that abour my flower garden?” White (Merton)

• Written by - Sasha “your mum” McKenna (St Hildas)
• Director - Kate “ham it up, lead with your boobs” Morris (St Hildas)
• Musical Director - Samuel “hands of blue” Swinnerton (Queen's)
• Songs by:
  • Jessica Law (St.Anne's)
  • Fabby Styles (Oriel)
  • Emma New (St Hildas)
  • Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's)