THE SPURIOUS WORDS GAME
You might think that a normal OULES performance is a precarious
near-corpse experience, and everything should be done to maintain what gravity
there is. You'd be wrong. Well, actually, you might well be right,
but when we get a performance with an audience who aren't quite worthy of
our deepest respect and most artistic efforts (ie
St. Peter's JCR
or a small handful of guiders in the middle
of their dinner who weren't expecting to see a play
), we play a little game. You have a little list of words offstage.
You try to fit them smoothly into your lines, or the closest approximation
to your lines that you can remember onstage. Then they get ticked off
the list and more are added. Everyone offstage laughs. Nobody
onstage laughs, oh no. The audience look confused.
Game 1: Arsenic and Old Lace on VOLES 2001
Lid - Cabbage - "Goes away with a good square meal of roast beef and cabbage
and a few dollars in their kick."
James - Jam - "Oh Johnny, what a lovely house this is, I am sure we can
all jam in perfectly!"
Elizabeth - Uzbekistan - "Oh, England, Australia, Uzbekistan... The last five
years Chicago."
James - Economic climate - "In this economic climate I've had to give Johnny
three new faces."
Elizabeth - Traffic lights - "It's so nice to be back in Brooklyn with its lovely
views and traffic lights!"
Elizabeth - Loft conversion - "The operating theatre; we can have a loft conversion,
a large ward in the attic!"
Kate - Hernia - "Jonathon, you were never happy in this house and quite
frankly you nearly gave your Aunt Martha a hernia so we've just come to say
goodbye"
Liz - Koala, conifer (two in one - impressive) - "President Roosevelt and
General Goethals culling koalas in the conifer woods at Culebra Cut!"
Elizabeth - Toothpaste - "You can go and use your toothpaste and go to bed."
James - Santa Claus - "Sweet Santa Claus, not the Mebourne Method!"
Elizabeth - Duvet - "We'll bring our duvets down."
Kate - Paisley - "You can have the spare room with the paisley curtains."
Kate - Forget-me-not - "Haven't you forgotten your forget-me-not?"
Elizabeth - Trolley - "Mortimer, are you leaving, or do I have to push
you out on a trolley?"
James - Brambles - "The fellow in London was pushing up brambles just as
much as the follow in Melbourne."
James - hideous - "Not the Melbourne Method! It's hideous!"
Sally - Cocktail - Where have you been all night? Drinking cocktails?"
Elizabeth - Sausage - Now Mortimer, my old sausage, you don't mind finishing
the story..."
Tom - Sardine - "This sardine has just signed the papers."
James - Millet - "It's not for the military is it?"
Below are further spurious words not included in the game, but still
worthy of recognition:
Kate - "My. Lieutenant, your mullet isn't as as big as the officers had
led me to believe!"
Liz - "A secret proclamation? Lord London Paddington, how unusual!"
Winners:
These have been democratically awarded by Rhi and myself.
Most numerous spurious words: Elizabeth for 7 of them. James was a close
second with 6.
Smoothest spurious word: Kate for Paisley.
Most alliterative spurious sentence: Liz for culling koalas
in the conifer woods at Culebra Cut
Overall best and funniest spurious word: Kate for Hernia
Game 2: Sleeping Beauty in St. Peter's JCR
I don't have notes for this! Does anyone else? But I can add
the ones I remember:
Richard - quorate:
Policeman 1 - "I arrest you, Fairy Stofthemall, in the name of..."
Policeman 2 - "Oh sod it, we're not quorate."
Lid - Who ate all the pies? - "I'm so hungry. I wish I had some pies,
but there are no pies. I wonder who ate all the pies."
Elizabeth - toenail clippings - "Now you're unconscious I can take toenail clippings
to use in my potions"
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