I would not wish you to think that oules are a bunch of
alcoholics. There are teetotallers amongst us, as well as
a number of people who know their limit. But there are others too.
Nobody could ever get tired of quaffing gin and tonic, but we
are creative types so we've come up with a few specialities of our
own.
In a new constitutional amendment, we have ruled that every
committee must come up with a new cocktail. The tradition had
begun of its own accord, and such things are important to preserve.
Our beautiful drinks include:
The OULES Cocktail:
The original. The best. The classic. You
are not truly an oule until you have succumbed to this.
Invented: At Kate's finishing mods party, The Plain Roundabout,
Hilary 2000. I cannot remember whose stupid idea this was
but when in doubt blame James Needham. In any case blame the
1999-2000 committee
.
Ingredients: 'champagne' (fizzy plonk)
Lie your victim down on their back. Wait until they are
calm and composed, with their mouth open and their throat closed.
Slowly pour a small, safe amount of fizzy plonk into
their mouth .
Variations: Quickly pour a large amount in so it all
fizzes up their nose.
Pour it into their eyes, ears and nose.
Pour from a great height.
Replace the champagne with something else. For increased
comedy, this should be either fizzy or extremely strong. However,
pouring three different spirits into someone's mouth at once, letting
them swallow and then
doing it again is not right and should
be banned.
VOLES Cocktail 2000:
An oules cocktail rotated through 90°. Fizz has never
been so much fun.
Invented: Voles 2000, amazingly enough. I don't know who
by, I wasn't there, but when in doubt blame James Needham.
Ingredients: More of your finest fizziest plonk. A nice
hot summer's day.
Shake bottle well. Shake harder. Drop bottle down
mountainside (being of course careful not to smash it). Open bottle
and spray accurately into the drinker's open mouth.
Variations:Spray at random all over your victim's face and clothes.
Leave out the nice hot summer's day and instead mix in midnight,
New Year's Eve, and sprinkle snow and ice liberally over the surrounding
landscape. Serve in the middle of a field, a very long way from any
form of towel.
VOLES Cocktail 2001:
Scandal! No alcohol involved!
Invented: Voles 2001. I was there but I still can't remember
whose idea it was.
Ingredients: Marshmallows. Campfire. Stick.
Stick marshmallow on stick and roast carefully. Lie your victim
on their back. Let molten marshmallow dribble into their open
mouth.
Variations: Actually I don't think we've really done this since.
Another thing you can do with marshmallows is fry them with bacon.
Then in the evening you can eat the bacony marshmallowy bits
off the spatula. Nice.
White Lady:
Why did we drink so many of these? They are an
acquired taste, in that after you've drunk about 5 you stop thinking
they're horrid.
Invented:Not by one of us. This is actually a proper cocktail.
Which may explain why it's the nastiest on the list. But
some of the main culprits for repeatedly buying the ingredients were
the
2000-2001 committee
.
Ingredients: Gin and cointreau
Mix about equal quantities of gin and cointreau. Note that
when they mix it goes all cloudy and white. Be excited by this.
Variations: Apparently if you mix in tonic they're
nicer. They're certainly less strong. But this is dangerous
too. Once Duncan kept trying to dilute his white lady with liquid
from a tonic bottle, and being a bit tipsy he thought it was getting
weaker, but it wasn't, because that was no ordinary tonic bottle...
Cath tells me that actually this is meant to have lime in. But we
didn't know that. That would be lime as in the fruit, though some calcium
carbonate might neutralise the evil stuff.
Spanking:
Short and violent, but very enjoyable...
Invented: Since Duncan said "A spanking, a spanking,
there's going to be a spanking" so often, clearly we needed a drink
with that name. So Elizabeth and Duncan devised an appropriate one
at Nicole's 21st birthday party. And they were in the
2001-2002 committee .
Ingredients: Gin, vodka and Kahlua
Mix two parts Kahlua to one part gin and one part vodka. It
is very difficult to do this accurately in a glass. The recommended
technique is to use a shot glass to measure a shot each of gin and
vodka, two shots of Kahlua, and mix in a teapot. The drink, should,
of course, be downed in one.
Variations: Tia Maria can be used if the shops don't have
Kahlua, but I don't think it's as nice.
Pour four or five times as much, directly down throat, in OULES Cocktail
position. Though this is unfair and wrong.
No Kahlua. This really does ming. A lot.
Blow Job:
Mmmmmmmmmm.
Invented: Traditional, but imported by Cath.
Ingredients: 1 shot Kahlua, 2 shots Baileys, 1 shot Whiskey, whipped
cream, cinnamon and cocoa.
Pour (layered) into Hi-Ball Glass. Fill up entire rest of glass with Whip
cream. Sprinkle liberally with cinnamon and cocoa. Serve with straw. Get
Lydia to recite the Whipped Cream poem.
Variations: This is as good as it gets baby.
Oh okay if you're being like that, then try adding the whole lot to a
glass of hot chocolate.
Holy Grail Cocktail:
Not so much a pair of drinks as a lifestyle choice.
Invented: It had to exist, so some combination of
Elizabeth, Duncan and Cath finalised the actual ritual at Nicole's 21st
birthday party.
Ingredients: A Spanking and a Blow Job
Someone intones: A spanking, a spanking, there's
going to be a spanking!
(down a Spanking)
And
after the spanking, the oral sex!
(sip your Blow Job)
Variations: Well to do it really properly
you should be watching
The Holy Grail at the time, but prepare
your drinks well in advance, a hastily mixed Spanking can be a bit
vile.
Purple Abuse:
Oh dear, there has been some abuse...
Invented: by Cath, adapted from a random gal in a bar, at VOLES 2002,
in order to kill Duncan. Cath is the current president so this could count
as the committee's cocktail.
Ingredients: 2 shots vodka, 2 shots Malibu, 3 shots archers, lemonade,
blackcurrant squash (not ribena).
Pour spirits over ice. Stir. Top up hiball (or pint) glass with lemonade,
to -1cm. Fill up with blackcurrant squash (not ribena). Stir. Serve
with straw (essential or the last half will knock you out).
Variations: Pint glass. Half pint of combined V,M,A. No ice.
Top as usual.